I’ve made no secret in the past about my utter disdain for Topshop. I’ve never been blown away by the store over all and nowadays don’t even take a look inside. I used to have a browse if there was a sale on but I don’t even bother with that any more. About 4 years ago I had a little bit of a Topshop phase but only because of the Kate Moss collection. Some of the designs were cutesy, quirky and not like anything I’d seen anywhere, and before you think I paid full whack for those things, I didn’t. I waited until the sale and never spent more than £20 on anything. Nowadays I feel that everything in Topshop is mundane, overpriced, generic shit – and that’s putting it nicely. I know there’s a lot of Topshop fans that may read this and love their clothes. That’s great for you, really, if you want to splash out on poor quality, poor designed clothing that a majority of people are wearing. I’m sure you look great. I was just looking at the website out of curiosity to see if they’d had anything in that would change my long standing opinion, and in short the answer is no. Here’s my pick of the best ‘WTF’ garments.
#1. ‘Embellished Asymmetric Dress by Opulence – £185
Or as I like to call it ‘Rancid Bridesmaid Dress by Gypsy Wedding’. Seriously WTF is this? It looks like something off a Strictly Come Dancing BFGW themed night? Where would you wear this to? I imagine this would be the top pick for a Jeremy Kyle guest on a bangin’ night up town. But would they spend that much on it? Nah, I reckon a trip to the local indoor market and you could pick up a similar eyesore for around £20.
#2 Flower Shoulder Dress by Rare Opulence – £175
Struggling to find something to wear for that Bjork Fancy Dress night? Look no further. For a mere £175 you could look like you have a dead swan draped around your shoulders for that ultimate WTF look. It comes complete with a flattering and very 90’s turtle type neck. Perfect if you’re a drag queen looking to cover that pesky adam’s apple.
#3 Metallic Snake Ponte Leggings – £25
What can I say about these?? NO seriously, what can I say?? If something can’t even look good on a mannequin what hope is there for them on a real person? What kind of body shape or style could pull these off? Even the cast of The Mighty Boosh would get sideways glances for these monstrosities. Save your money or give it to charity or something PLEASE.
#4 Player Cut Out High Sandals – £85
Perfect for that ‘street walker in the mid 80’s’ vibe. For £85 I’d rather invest in a sensible pair of loafers from Clarks thanks. Gold? Snakeskin? VOMIT.
Harlequin Sequin Dress by Dress Up Topshop – £200
What better dress to go clowning around in, get it? CLOWNING around? Nah, that joke was about as lame as this design. Just think of the amount of effort that has gone into making this dress. That energy could have been invested into something much greater, like finding out the meaning of life. If you have £200 spare for a dress, wouldn’t you at least make it a nice one?
I think that is all I can stomach for now. Garish, expensive, ridiculous; 3 words I would use to sum this selection up. Looking at the website I saw a few basic items I thought were OK but you can find the same garments for literally half the price at other high street shops. Some of the Topshop Make Up range does intrigue me, but once again looking at the prices I’d much rather spend my money on actual make up brands. Maybe I’m just a tight wod.
What’s the most ridiculous trend or garment you’ve seen on the high street lately?