The best of Topshop fashion buys in September… (or not)
To start off, let’s address the elephant in the room here: that lace body suit thing, which will actually set you back no less than £35! It’s like the sexy fishnet body suits you accidentally stumble across on ebay on Chinese sellers accounts for 2 quid when you’re after something quite innocent like a pair of leggings. I’m not quite sure of the type of party you’d go to to wear this (well, actually I am sure, I’m more than sure) but why Topshop are selling it I don’t know. You wouldn’t even be able to wear a dress over it or anything, unless you enjoy getting completely starkers to have a wee. The second garment which has no place on the Topshop website, or in anyone’s life is this hideous baby pink jumper with a freakish looking bear on the front. Unless you are a child I do not understand it. It’s not like it’s a cult character or a kawaii cartoon star, it’s just some weird bear which has been collaged in weirder materials. I can only imagine this would be sold down the market next to an abundance of fleeces with wolves howling at the moon on.
Speaking of markets, I’d probably head down there to get your next phone case too, unless you like fury red ones which resemble a soiled sanitary product rocking around in your handbag. But it’s ok if you do, because the perfect accessory to match that phone case is the colour clashing kitten healed grossness that is the fuchsia boot things, which don’t have laces on them because it would make taking them off before anyone saw you in them too long of a process. It’s like they were thrown up by Madonna’s stylist in 1986 and then eaten and shit out by Bananarama. And finally, I don’t know what this latest fad is with all these bin bag-esque clothes is, but I imagine they’re going to be like the shell suits of our day – all fun and games until someone accidentally stands too close to a naked flame and they melt on to the skin, fusing in and branding you with ill thought fashion mistakes of your youth.
And if that wet your whistle. Just imagine wearing all of these things… together.